Dear Prime Minister Ardern:
Before you discard this as just another love letter, I want you to know that I’m not writing for the usual reasons. I’m a happily married man, and I know that you are engaged (Cheers!, I think you Kiwis say). I’m not hoping that you will be my girlfriend. I’m writing to see if you would fill the position in another relationship I’m in that seems to be growing toxic. Would you be my U.S. president?
I looked up online the signs of an abusive relationship, and I see many of these behaviors in my U.S. president. He gets very jealous if I just look in the direction of facts or other ideas. He tries to alienate me from my family and friends by saying bad things about them and not allowing me to see them (he recently gave me a curfew!). He barely lets me have any money compared to the money he allows himself to spend and won’t tell me how much he makes. I saw that many abusers have abused alcohol or drugs, and, based on I overheard him say recently, I suspect he may be taking hydroxychloroquine and even disinfectants! He often belittles me or other people (including, once, someone in a wheelchair). Blaming is another constant habit of his, and he definitely qualifies as a bully. Of course, physical abuse is often the last stage, and he recently threatened to send a whole army against me if I didn’t do what he wanted.
I saw that these were signs I might be in an abusive relationship, and I didn’t know who to turn to. Then I remembered you. I know it might seem like I am “rebounding,” but you caught my eye with your smarts, your calm, your policies, and your ability to get things done like gun control. At the recent pandemic, I found it quite fetching how you responded: calling your country a team (instead of an “army”) and doing the right thing early and strongly so that you eliminated COVID in your country (yea, you!). I know no relationship is perfect and I have to be cautious given that I am just coming out of this abusive relationship. Still, I hope you will join me for a date, say Tuesday, November 3?
Love,
The U.S. Population
